Courage & COVID19

Giving Yourself Some Slack

Written by Heidi Mumme, Affectus Facilitator and Researcher

Have you thought about going easy on yourself?

What are your expectations of yourself ?

These are completely abnormal times, unprecedented circumstances, terms we are all becoming more familiar with since COVID-19 first reared its ugly head. These are times we are all navigating through on a day by day basis. It can be stressful and scary; it is uncertain and there is no handbook to help us. 

What is your new normal?

The reality is that there will be people who no longer have jobs, people who are now juggling work under a new set of conditions, and there will be some for which life hasn’t changed too much. Whatever your new norm is, there will be continuous readjusting to what that means for you. The reality of what your new norm looks like has/or is possibly still kicking in - this new normal will become normal, at least for now.

Goals and standards drive us as individuals whether in work or your personal life, but COVID has shifted many goals posts for almost all of us.

What happens when the goal posts are shifted?

For most of the population working from home is not the norm, let alone trying to work at home with your partner and/or children all trying to function in the same space, throw home schooling into the mix and each day can be a definite challenge – give yourself some slack.

Yes, we are going to make mistakes – big ones and small, and that is OK. Making mistakes is part of life and they are important to learn from. If something didn’t work today, try it differently tomorrow and see what happens – Have you given yourself some slack yet?

Our "Give Yourself Some Slack" Tips.

• Don’t compare yourself to others – your situation and current set of circumstances is unique to you. What works for your best friend may not work for you and that is OK.
• Understand the goal posts have shifted and this may mean you need to reassess the expectations you would normally put on yourself – you need to find a happy medium in your new situation.

 AND

Ask yourself these questions each day

• What are 3 things I am grateful for?
• What are 2 things I did well today?
• What is 1 thing I would do differently?

Recognise when you need some time out for yourself because you will!!

​More than ever we need to take care of ourselves, look out for each other and be considerate to each other.

Be generous and be kind to yourself and those around you.

Courage and stress

Written by Katie Scutt,  NSILP Graduate 

How stress influences how we lead

In global crises like we are experiencing now, we are all likely to be experiencing higher levels of stress than we normally do.

This is on top of the stressors we already have. But what is stress, really? And how does it affect our ability to be the strong leaders that we need now more than ever?

​“…stress arises when individuals perceive that they cannot adequately cope with the demands being made on them or with threats to their wellbeing.” 
Lazarus, 1966

To explain this further, for us to feel stressed, we first need to perceive that what is happening is a threat (e.g. there is a t-rex in front of us) and then we need to perceive that we don’t have the resources to cope with that threat (e.g. it can run faster than us).

What is important to note here is how we perceive situations and our ability to deal with them is key to whether we feel stressed and overwhelmed or calm and clear headed.

It’s also part of the solution.

A lot more information on what stress is can be found here and ways to cope with stress here.

Stress, leading and good decisions

So how does stress affect our ability to lead and make good decisions?

Leadership 

For better or worse, stress influences our leadership behaviour.

It can turn us into great leaders in or we can unknowingly become part of the problem.

This in turn, has a significant impact on the stress levels of those who we are trying to lead.

Consciously cultivating positive leadership behaviours in times of stress, such as maintaining a strong vision, communicating a positive outlook and forming strong connections with our team members will focus our leadership skills and also reduce stress for ourselves and others.

Decision making

Leadership takes a lot of brain power, even in the best of times.

To make good decisions we need to address problems and make decisions all the while thinking about the big picture and keeping a watch out for threats to our progress.

When we are under stress, our ability to do this is reduced. This is ok and normal.

Remember, we are stressed when we feel like we don’t have the resources to cope with the demands placed on us. So, if we can find ways to increase the amount of resources we have, we can free up brain space and clear thinking.

Some ways to increase your resources include:

• delegate, remember you are part of a team and getting through tough times is a team effort
• remember its ok to ask for help
• prioritise and cull things off your to-do list that aren’t immediate priorities; what are you trying to achieve and what will help you get there, everything else can wait
• learn how to say no – when you say no to one thing you are saying yes to another
• get enough sleep and take care of yourself – remember you need to put your oxygen mask on first
• think about the positives, take a moment each day to reflect on what is going well

The bottom line

Stressful situations are going to affect us in different ways, including our ability to lead and make good decisions.

The good news is that if we take conscious, simple measures we can be the positive leaders needed to not only survive, but thrive in a crisis.

We just need to keep sight of our vision, bring our teams along with us and free up resources where we can so we can focus on achieving that vision.

Finally, if you or someone you know may be interested in delving deeper and exploring more tools and resources to deal with stress, click here for a free evidence-based e-course. 

Courage and difficult conversations

~ The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment ~
Dorothy Nevill

For each of us, the world has temporarily changed as we know it.

What this means and how this looks will be different for each person and family. 

Particularly at this time of uncertainty, we are regularly confronted with difficult situations that need us to have confronting, difficult conversations. Conversations that require courage.

A courageous conversation requires you to speak up and express how you feel about the issues that are weighing you down.

Being able to articulate your thoughts and opinions is not always easy and they can be misinterpreted leading to more awkward situations.

Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable

At Affectus we regularly ask people to “get comfortable with being uncomfortable”.

What does being uncomfortable look like for you?

For me the “unknown” manifests all sorts of levels of uncomfortable, but more importantly having conversations about what the unknown means and looks like is daunting.

How do you start these tricky conversations?

How do you find your voice?

The decision that a courageous conversation is needed is the first step…..well done!!!

Courageous tips for courageous conversations

• Fear and Ego can get in the way. Let them go
• Know why you want to have the conversation. Be clear
• Discomfort is highly likely. Be prepared
• Have realistic expectations
• Be calm and in the right frame of mind especially if it’s a sensitive issue
• Don’t talk too much. Listen. Conversations are two way. Talk with people, not at them
• Be vulnerable

It’s time to be brave and start having those courageous conversations; start being open, transparent and honest…you will become more resilient and it will have a wonderful effect.

~ What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything? ~
Vincent Van Gogh

Courage - some thoughts

The ability to do something that frightens you. I like that definition of courage.

I like it because it is your ability, your fear. It is you that is assessing your ability, it is you that has turned to face something. It takes others out of the picture. It is you and yours.

At Affectus, we spend a lot of time asking people to look in the mirror and be bold. Often about personal traits and behaviours; levels of understanding and openness to change.

In fact, as I write this, I know that eighteen courageous individuals are on their way to meet us as part of the National Seafood Industry Leadership Program that we facilitate.

And, again, we will be asking them

• what do you know about yourself?
• what are you willing to step into to make the change that is needed?

At no point will we be asking them to measure themselves against one another. They may do this but we are not interested in that.

 What we craft is an environment where people see situations that may be scary. They have a good look at it. And they take a step toward it.

We courage will we see?

We have been specialists in the area of leadership for well over two decades. That means that some of what we see and hear will be familiar to our team because others have trodden similar paths toward their fear. But it will be different and inspiring…I am positive about that. In fact, we often talk about awakening tigers! And that takes courage.

So, what does courage look like?

For one person it could be willing to start a difficult conversation…or any conversation.

For another it could be to address a room full of strangers…or another person.

Or, it could be a young person speaking their mind surrounded by faces with decades of experience.

Perhaps it’s a quieter person chairing a meeting.

Or, an experienced participant sitting and unearthing a deeper, hidden, unexpected wisdom and sharing it with others.

A couple of years ago I was asked to do some work in an unfamiliar setting. I hesitated, I felt my heart lift a few revs and I bit down and stayed quiet.

I found my Third Space, dusted off my courage and agreed. Now as it turned out the dates didn’t match my calendar (mores the pity) but at that moment I realised a couple of things:

1. It had been long time (2 ½ years) since I had done something way, way out of my comfort zone. I hadn’t had to bite down on my fear for a long time. I realised how inappropriate that was considering nearly every room I walk into that is precisely what I expect others to do. So, I am dusting off my courage more regularly now. When I feel the revs go up a notch or two, I pause and consider more actively; does it connect with my purpose? Yes! Well turn and have a look and move toward it. Step into that new leadership space.
2. I also realised that courage takes practice. Once you know it there is a familiarity to your responses. However, we can get out of the habit of being courageous.

What about you?

How do you know when you need to be courageous? When was the last time?

I wonder, as I write this out, what percentage of my day/week/year is spent being courageous? And then I wonder about the person sitting next to me on the bench at the gate? Sitting next to me on my previous flight?

And then I pause and consider courage at a more intense level. Fleeing; facing aggression; looking at rage and it takes on a completely different hue.

When will you be courageous? Tomorrow? This week?

How will our amazing eighteen inspire us again as they demonstrate courage and then build deeper self-knowledge?

Don’t let your courage get dusty like mine did.

Have a wonderful courageous day. 

Awaken the tiger.

Juggling you - self care

Do you wonder about juggling you? Do you think “when will I have enough time”? Does your to-do-list feel a little/a lot/just plain crazy?

During periods of time in your life juggling time so you can find care for yourself can be elusive.

Some of you may be married and that becomes part of the juggle. Others of you have a terrific leisure life and that becomes part of the juggle. And for others it is the community expectations and kids wants & needs.

Yep many of us can tick off all of those and think..golly there it is in a nutshell…juggling and me…well actually it is just juggling.

Our last blog talked about knowing yourself, your distractions, your type and team.  This blog is just for you and it comes as a story.

Now I am not a great story writer. I am a little more skilled with the talking part. But nevertheless I want to tell you a story. It is a story of juggling and self-care.  I hope you will find it useful rather than just another dose of “suck eggs”.

My juggling story

I took myself away last weekend. I went to a place with people I love and who help me be open and vulnerable.

The opening up element I find ok. On the other hand, the vulnerable part I can find challenging. But when I connected with the people that I shared this weekend with I was able to step into vulnerability.

This probably has something to do with safety. 

So, over the weekend this is what I found out.

Learning 1 - Away 

By taking the time away from the day-to-day I discovered more about myself.
I unearthed a more practical side of my nature and I found out some more about my responses to others.

Some of those are trivial and some immensely valuable.

Learning 2 - Vulnerability

For instance, I can knit squares for refugee bedspreads while I am talking about loss and grief. And in doing this for the first time I didn’t cry.

I found out that when the conversation got a bit heavy and intense I feel the vulnerability rise and so I project and assume others are feeling the same and I lighten the mood.

So a personal learning is to take something to do with my hands when deep conversations might happen. And next time don’t lighten the mood; leave that to another and go into that place that I sometimes avoid.

What about you?

When was the last time you paused long enough to get to those places of self-knowing? And why is that important?

I can’t help you with the answers to those two questions. But I do know how valuable it was for the 18 other people I was with. It was really valuable.

Learning 3 - Distractions

Something else I found was the importance of distraction. You might think I am contradicting myself. But I don’t think I am.

Last blog we talked about juggling in a more practical functional way. So when I am talking about distraction that means suspension/pause/off-button.

Last weekend, like similar weekends I have attended, helped me suspend my life for 56 hours.

Yes there are others who attended this retreat who wanted action at the end. But for me the distraction, the suspension allowed me to be with others. And hear their words, understand their drive and direction.

Through the suspension of my day-to-day I was able to be more present. I was able to access more appropriate responses.

And the true loveliness was that none of others stuff had to become part of my juggling. At the same time it did add understanding to the items I am juggling.

Being in distraction (perhaps suspension is a better word) to ensure you can be more present allows you bring your whole self to a conversation.

Know your distractions 

A logical next step is to think about what distracts you?

Perhaps it is a time of day or a type of task.

Do you get distracted very easily when doing certain activities? Or there other activities where you can concentrate really well and maintain focus through all sorts of noise?

Is the latter because you place high value on that task or activity? Such high value that you don’t hear people talk. Is the former because you haven’t placed high value on that activity.

Knowing your distractions and how you value them can help you work out (juggle) when to work on what.

I want to let you in on a secret, I get distracted very easily when I am doing certain activities. And it is always hose activities I don’t place a high value on.

Know your type

At Affectus, we have this amazing personality assessment tool called The Big Five. One of the most robust conversations we have with clients who use this tool centres around conscientiousness.

How is your level of conscientiousness related to juggling and time?

Well I think that highly conscientious people are often more wired for getting things finished. They tend to know the task and where it finishes.

Whereas for someone with low conscientiousness gets distracted and finds something more valuable to bounce onto before finishing what they have started.

Yes, yes I know I know I am generalising here but the point is…knowing your type it is hugely liberating.

Another not-so-secret-secret. I am not very conscientious. It’s funny because even my teachers use to say that about me! But knowing I’m not conscientious makes me more conscious of juggling my time and commitments effectively.

Know your team

This seems an inconsequential concept but it can been liberating to really know who is in your various teams. And how can the team be effective time managers?

You may have many teams in your life. And if you know the team’s strengths you can then see their juggling habits.

What do they do well? How can you tap into that strength to assist you with your juggling.
Going back to the image of the bicycle-riding, tightrope-suspended, ball-juggling aerialist in Juggling and Focus,she is part of a team. A whole team that makes up Cirque Du Soleil.

Understand your juggling in relation to others surrounding you and draw on their abilities.

How to juggle time and commitments

Knowing yourself is a good starting point.

To assist you with knowing yourself it is valuable to get a bit of a snapshot.

Here is a link to a simple inventory.

This will assist you in establishing your time wasters. And, from that point of knowing, you will have some insight into you, your distractions, your type and your team.

A final secret.Just to let you know this is not how I juggle.

​“I'm always trying to show versatility. I'm juggling, and I'm flipping fire, and I'm chewing gum and rhyming at the same time... on a unicycle, while playing the drums.” ~ MF Doom

Juggling and focus

Have you seen Cirque Du Soleil?

I watched the performance with a couple of young people. We were entertained. We were amazed. And one of us cried halfway home because he wanted to stay there with all the circus people. Quite the impression!

I found one of the acts was particularly impressive. A women on a bicycle with an umbrella juggling. Juggling lots. So many objects.

It was incredible to watch. Such skill. Such concentration. Whenever I think of juggling that suspended artist on her bike with her umbrella comes straight to mind. How did she do it?

What is juggling? 

Well the definitions read like this

“continuously toss into the air and catch (a number of objects) so as to keep at least one in the air while handling the others.” and/or “cope with by adroitly balancing (several activities).”

How does juggling overlay with opportunity and leadership growth?

Well it depends on what you are trying to juggle doesn’t it?

So back to my mental image. Do you have lots of balls going at once? Are you:

Well what happens when we have too many balls going? 

As I watched my suspended juggler maintain a cloud of ping pong balls I did watch her face. And particularly her eyes. They appeared to be glancing through the swirl using her peripheral vision to track flashes.

I have tried to juggle and a modicum of success was achieved through not looking at the individual object. But to predict and then manage my movements in anticipation.

Perhaps someone who juggles may have a succinct description of what the brain and body does. My point is that in the act of juggling perhaps we are not focusing. Well, not focusing on the objects.

And when we manage the complexities of our lives, what do you juggle?

My life can be very complex, as can all of ours. And I have to be candid here. I am OK but not great with juggling. And I have discovered that the way I juggle doesn’t connect to my espoused values.

Does your juggling reflect your life values? 

​I have found that it is people in my life that are dropped when the everything I’m juggling becomes too:

So what can we do about this?

Well, perhaps its the following

I am going to keep talking about juggling over the next couple of weeks. Feel free to share if you know someone who is thinking through the concept of juggling. 

And, if you have someone in your gang who knows how to actually juggle ask them give you a demonstration and watch them.

What leadership are we looking for?

Looking for leadership. Is it too soon? Can I dive in? Have I mulled through my thoughts enough?

Emotions (deep, raw, grief-filled), mine, family, friends, and my network aired over the last 17 days.

 Should I wait until after the next wave of heat and wind that could leave more devastation?

I think it is time to dive in. It is time to look in the mirror and have a good think.  If not now when?

One of my graduates put a comment on social media last night that suggesting that it is time that Affectus (my company) develops and delivers a leadership program for all politicians entering parliament. Wouldn’t we love to. I wonder who might attend?

Now to the questions that have been racing around in my head for months, if not years;

Leadership questions

Because they are us.

Really, they are us. And we all know that feeling when we are put into a space that we are completely seen – warts and all.

If we want to avoid going around in Einstein’s circle of insanity (and I know that there is some speculation about the validity of this concept) of thinking then we need to be brave enough to say leadership is not about a hero leader. Leadership is about me and I need to step into my space and be the leader I need. 

I have also read lots of commentary about what we didn’t get during this time of national need. So, I am going to really stick my neck out here and have a go at what might have been useful.

What might have been useful

A clear picture of leadership

When I think about those questions and more, I get a clear picture of leadership.

It's many people stepping into a leadership space.

I believe this, not the hero leader, is the truth about leadership.

As I ponder my questions further I sit here in my office, knowing that tomorrow and the next day, and the many days after, will be dangerous days in my part of the world.

I know that many people have sacrificed so, so much.

I understand that sections of my part of the world will possibly never recover.

But I do ache for leadership. A new leadership where we all understand (including those at the top of the hierarchy) that someone should not feel compelled to be our hero. Instead it is about us stepping into that leadership space that we all see.

What leadership do you want?

More importantly, how can we build a leadership style in our community that saves us from a hero leader who can never do it all?

Celebration... A reflection and an action 

This is my last blog for 2019. Now that is something to celebrate.

I have spent time this week considering what to celebrate and how to do it.

Affectus has had another amazing year. We have

We are completing 2019 with a great sense of positive anticipation.

Celebrations

How do you celebrate?

What have been the celebration moments during 2019 that have stuck with you?

How will you take those celebration processes and activities into the new decade?

As I look back over the 12 months these are the meaningful ways that I have witnessed celebrations where we have been the centre of or on the edge of.

Mostly for me celebration is a remembering process and a looking forward process.

What will you remember as 2019 finishes?

How will you be packaging those moments of celebration and carrying them with you into 2020?

What process will you use to think through the moments?

Sometimes we need a bit of a process to help us capture the celebratory moments and carry them forward.

Do you need a process?

A celebration formula

Once upon a time I hit on a formula what worked for most people. And it was a meaningful and semi-public way of people sharing their times of celebration.

It was just two simple questions that we each answered well before the clock clicked over into the new year. These questions might be useful and they are pretty simple.

1. What was great about this year?

My answer will be:

2. What are you going to celebrate this time next year?

I anticipate my answer will be

“the people I have seen courageously take leadership action and change the world”.

Let’s celebrate! What a year!

When you consider motivation the above  concepts can assist in targeting your motivation process.

A recent experience

Recently, I assisted a team deliver on an outcome for a Government Minister. It was fascinating to watch the motivation of the group unfold. 

We teased out the concept of roles and responsibilities. It was important to establish that first. (So note that the above list isn’t sequential. It is responsive.) By having roles and responsibilities articulated the team could apply energy with focus.

The group needed to work as a team and sub-teams. This team concept was clearly communicated to the group so the endeavours were driven by a team ethos.

What was missing was time to understand how individuals in the team preferred to be rewarded.

When in a leadership role I believe it is vital to understand reward preferences. So, finally a tip.

If you are thinking about celebrating the end of another amazing year and hoping to motivate your team through celebrating with gifting, think about the individual. Yep that can be a bit of work!

Consider whether individuals are intrinsically or extrinsically orientated. And reward them in a manner that matches preference.

Tip

Celebrating 

Celebrating - during 2019 Affectus has been part of some great celebrations.

And, as we head into a time of celebration for our country I want to firstly say have a lovely time with the people you care about.

I’d but also like to share with you our thinking about celebration and why it is good to do it. And what we think are the important elements of celebration. 

I also want to acknowledge that times of celebration can be very challenging for some people. It can bring up sad, complex and traumatic memories. So be gentle also in your celebrating.

And, of course, there is our “old chestnut” - what about leadership and celebration?

What is celebration?

Let's start at the beginning.

By definition celebration means …

A special enjoyable event that people organise because something pleasant has happened

Affectus has done some reading and research about this. And we are interested in diverse thinking. However, it would appear that we celebrate because we want to connect with others; to share our joy or our sorrow about something that is important to us.

So, we celebrate:

We now more clearly understand that celebration is not about numbers. It is about sharing with others something that is important.

What do you celebrate? How do you celebrate?

Having thought through the concept of celebration, we have listed a few that Affectus celebrated in 2019.

Quite Celebrations

A Bigger Celebration

Some Public Celebrations

A Gentle Yet Organised Celebration

We have had a great year of celebration.

And we also got to hang off a few others celebrations.

Thank you for letting Affectus vicariously celebrate all your successes, joys and recognise some sorrows.

A final thought is about the blending of celebration with motivating people.

We would encourage you all to consider celebration as a separate concept to motivation. Over the next month or so we will write about motivation and celebration.

Finally, our tips about celebration.

Tip 1 – Do it!

Tip 2 – Make sure celebration is distinct from motivation.

Tip 3 – Consider who is celebrating and what will be appreciated

Tip 4 – Think through the public nature of the celebration

Tip 5 – Share the joy and the sorrow

Tip 6 – It can be small and simple or massive and complex

Tip 7 – Take a leadership role into the celebration space.

Celebrating (not motivating)

What are the right questions for leadership?

I have been part of some great celebrations.

What celebrations have you:

What are the elements that make celebrations:

During the celebrations we witness people fist pump, hug, yell, clink glasses, laugh, cry, speak too much, not speak at all.

We regularly attend highly managed celebrations. And we also have enjoyed more casual less orchestrated gatherings. And, frequently, I have been leading teams that have organised celebrations.

So what is celebration?

Let me go to the beginning.

What is celebration and why do we celebrate?

By definition celebration means this…

A special enjoyable event that people organise because something pleasant has happened

Therefore, celebration involves some level of thought and planning.

What is the importance of celebration for you? Why do you celebrate?

I celebrate birthdays, awards, deaths, achieved goals…what about you?

Some thinking …

Do you blend celebration with motivating people? 

I would encourage you all to consider celebration as a separate concept to motivation.

Start with a why question:

I will write about motivation separately but let's consider celebration (briefly) now. 

The questions about leadership.

What are the right questions for leadership?

I was with a woman many years ago who shared with me that she thought I wasn’t asking the right questions.

I thought “How bizarre is that?”.

Self-aware leaders continually ask themselves questions and they ask others questions. They are curious, they seek out information and welcome the answers. So, how can someone ask the wrong question?

This confounded me and I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t asking the right questions for her and her needs.

Where do our questions come from?

But where do our questions come from?

Where do your questions come from? From what part of your thinking?

Do you ask questions for solutions?

Do you ask questions to explore concepts?

Do you seek clarification through your questions or perhaps you ask for confirmation?

When do you give yourself enough time to consider answers to your questions?

Exploring concepts

When Affectus works with you we are exploring concepts so that you will ask yourself questions. Questions that help you understand yourself at a deeper level and the environment around you.

Don’t we?

We are hoping you will discover newness – about you and your direction.

We are not interested in directing you. We are assisting you develop great self-direction.

Don’t we?

Sometimes this drives people mad. That we are not often answering machines. But, we believe we have the process right - getting you to find your own answers.

Questions about leadership

What are your questions about leadership and your direction?

At Affectus, we focus our thinking beyond the individual and consider leadership. Why? Because we know that using leadership as the framework ensures that any person is able to step in where they see it is needed.

We call this stepping into your leadership space.

Chinwe Esimai (Forbes Women) talks about great leaders. She says that knowing yourself is essential. “Self-awareness is empowering because it arms you with knowledge and enables you to make better choices — to change or grow.”

Have you asked yourself enough questions to get a clear sense of self and leadership and direction? How often do you pause?

The Big Five

We use Big Five to commence the self-knowledge journey.

Have you thought through the five areas assessed.

What questions arise from Big Five.

Are you wondering about the value of understanding the five key areas?

It is so valuable to understand this about yourself. It is also empowering to know how your personality and the using of your strengths will impact on those around you.

It is powerful to use these five areas of your personality with insight and self-knowledge. Using your strengths and understanding your weaknesses to ensure that the team around you has great impact (affect 😊)

Two Leadership Questions

Here are two key leadership questions around personalities worth considering…

And finally, the critical questions about leadership.

What are your values and how do you identify them?

Self-assess what is important to you. Wander around some values cards and think through those patterns of your life. Seek your values.

And what about your passions? We can’t always be working/earning money in our personal area of passion. But as a minimum we need to know what lights us up and what drives us.

Leadership is all about asking questions – your questions. Start asking questions and seeking answers. Listen carefully and weave this new knowledge into your increasing self-awareness.

Sometimes the questions you ask may irritate but they will also illuminate.

It is all about our questions – the ones we mull through quietly on our own minds and the ones we seek answers to in the public realm.

Have you thought about how you are communicating with those around you?

What about rethinking your day-to-day communication? Especially now that the start of the year “catch-up” is over.

And not wanting to jump the gun because for some holidays are still on but, what about your children as they head back to care and school?

Let’s start by making a bold statement.

The importance of communication can’t be over stated.

We hear statements like “keep communicating” and “take time to it communicate” but what is communication and how can you up your prowess?

What is communication

Communication is the skill we all employ to move our thoughts from our mind into another’s conscious thought.

Don’t you wish it was that simple?

It is a simple concept. An open mind connecting with another open mind through speaking and listening.

However, what we know, day-to-day is communicating isn’t that easy. We continue to work under the assumption that “I am talking and so the person I am talking at is listening”.

From my experience and observations it is clear that we all try to communicate effectively but “life” gets in the way of us communicating well.

So, let’s start with the element of listening.

The element of listening

How would you rate your listening on a scale of 1 to 10?

Are you an 8 or somewhere near a 10?

How do you know this? How have you developed your self-awareness?

Or do you figure you are closer to the middle or the lower end of the scale?

When have you been given this feedback and by whom? Have a think and explore your understanding of “me as a listener”.

It is important to understand the components of this communication element.

Can we make a commitment to listen better in 2019? I wonder?

Last year I was told, in a particularly stressful environment, that I wasn’t listening. I found that a challenging comment as I thought listening was one of my skills.

On reflection, I realise I wasn’t doing all of the listening components at the time. And that was because I was juggling a number of activities at one time. So, what did I learn that will assist you?

The components of listening

• You need to stop – physically. Stop what you are doing if you are going to listen. This “stopping” signals to the rest of your physicality, and the speaker, that you need to take up a listening posture.
• You need to stop – mentally. You need to take a moment to compartmentalise what you were attending to and be completely aware of the other person.

These were steps I thought I was displaying. But I wasn’t signalling to the speaker that I was listening because I was not physically positioning myself. I hadn’t stopped walking nor had I turned my body in a manner that demonstrated I was listening.

And I also know, because it was at that moment that I was told “you are not listening”, that my eyes were not focused on the speaker. They were flitting around my environment as I tried to keep a handle on the activities that my attention had been taken from.

So, therefore, I needed to mentally and physically get myself switched on to listen. But I also forgot to shut down my other thinking, which was saying “there is something else (more important?) that you need to be attending to”.

How can you keep that part of your thinking under control? How do you keep that part of your mind under control so that you can be fully listening?

A lesson in listening

Well here is my learning.

I know I am truly listening when the speaker stops talking and I am able to reflect back what I have heard. AND that it takes me some time to add my opinion.

In moments of listening, really listening, I have managed to completely shut down the parts of my brain that think:

• “what else is going on”
• “oooo I can tell you about that”
• “golly have I got an opinion about that idea”

It’s hard to do. But it is rewarding.

What are your personal processes that drop you into to ensure you are effectively listening?

In 2019, let’s listen. Let’s set up our behaviours and thinking so that we can slot into effective listening – as soon as we comprehend that listening is required.